What happens to love after the wedding?

 Posted on: 4 May 2015    Focus on Family

what-happens-to-loveOne day as I was sitting to rest in a park after a long walk with my dogs to receive a call and after I dropped the phone, A confused man turned in my direction smiling and asked “what kind of work do you do?”

“I am a writer for Real Woman Magazine, I write about marriages, relationships, and marriage enrichment articles.” I said quiet frankly.

“I have been wanting to as  ask someone this questions for a very long time” he said “What happens to the love after you get married?”

At instance I was blank but manage to get myself back and I asked  “What do you mean?”

“Well I have been married three times, and each time, it was wonderful before we got married, but somehow after the wedding it all  fell apart and the total opposite becomes the case. All the love we thought we had each other disappeared. I am a very intelligent person” he said frankly looking directly into my eyes, “ I operate a successful business, well educated and yet I don’t understand it.?

“How long were you married?” I asked.

“The first one lasted about twelve years. The second time we were married for only two years and the last one, almost five years.“

“Did your love disappear almost immediately or it was a gradual process?” I asked.

“In my first marriage, we had four to five awesome years together before we started having kids. After the first baby came, I felt neglected, like she gave all her attention to the baby and I no longer mattered. Two years later the other baby came and it all seemed like all her goal in life was just to have kids and after the kids I was no longer needed”

Trying to find the right words, I asked, “Did you tell her that?“

“Oh, yes , I did. She said I was crazy and only acting childish and selfish. That I did not understand the stress of being a twenty-four-hour nurse, teacher,chef  and a maid. She said that I should rather be more understanding and be more helpful in the house. I really tried, but it didn’t seem to make little or no difference. But with each passing day we grew further apart. After a while there was no love or even like between us, we were practically dead ( love, respect , feelings, Romance lost). So we agreed it was better we stayed apart.”

“Well, the second one went wrong from the very first beginning, I really thought we loved each other, but I don’t know what happened. The honeymoon was a disaster, and we never recovered  till the marriage ended. We dated for six months, what anyone would call a perfect couple, it was a whirling romance. It was really exciting! But after the marriage, it was war from the beginning.

“My last marriage I thought this was it, A time to recover all I ever lost. The perfect one. We dated for two years. For the first time I thought that perhaps I knew what it meant to be loved and love someone. I truthfully thought that she loved me.”

“After the wedding, I don’t think I changed. I continued to express my love in so many ways like I use to before marriage, buying gifts, outing. Told her severally if not on a daily basis how pretty and beautiful she looked, and how much I still love her. I told her how proud I was to be her husband and how much I wanna grow old with her. But a few months after the marriage, she started complaining about little and unnecessary things; At first it was me not taking the garbage out for collection every tuesday, or not hanging up my clothes. Later, She went to attacking my character, telling me that she can’t trust me even when I have never given her any reason not to trust me, accusing me of being unfaithful at every instance. She became a totally negative person. Before marriage, she was one of the most positive people I ever met, which was one of the things that attracted me to her. She never complained about anything, to her everything I did was wonderful, but once we were married, it seemed I could not do anything right. I honestly don’t know what happened.” as he reached for a white handkerchief from his pocket wiping his teary eyes with it. He manages to continue. “ Eventually , I lost my love for her and began to resent her. She on the other hand, I guess she obviously didn’t love me anymore and we became two enemies living together. So we agreed it was better we split.”

“That was six months ago. So my question is this, What happens to love after the wedding? Is my experience common or I’m the one with the problem? Is that why we have so many divorce cases in  the world? I can’t just believe it happened to me three times. And those who don’t get divorce do they eventually learn to live with the emptiness, or does love really stay alive in some marriages? if so how?”

I thought for a few seconds and minutes these questions, a total stranger was asking are the questions a million married and divorce persons are asking today, some are asking friends, some are asking parents, some are asking counselors, and some are asking themselves. Sometimes the answers are couched in a psychological research jargons that are almost incomprehensible. And sometimes couched in humor and folklore. Most of the jokes and pithy sayings contains some truth, but they are like offering panadol to a person with kidney failure.

The desire for romantic love in marriage is deeply rooted in our psychological makeup. Almost every magazine, has at least one article on keeping your marriage alive and heathy. Televisions and radio talk shows deals on the same subject and lots of books revolves round it. Keeping love alive in our marriages is an important issue.

With all the books, magazine, talk shows and practical help available, why is it that only but a few couples seems to have found the secret to a healthy marriage and relationship after the wedding? Why is that a couple can attend a communication workshop,hear wonderful ideas on how to enhance their marriage, return home and find themselves totally unable to implement the communication pattern demonstrated?

To be able to keep the love alive after marriage we need to refer to the word of God ( The bible )  daily, knowing that marriage is for better and for worse. Define marriage according to God’s plan in genesis. The minute you enter without proper foundation it would collapse like a bag of cement in a bowl of water. God is the origin of love and until you truly know God you can’t operate in true love and don’t expect to give or attract what you can’t give. ( 1 corinthians 13:13).

Conclusively, be ready to forgive, sacrifice the things that cause you arguments, forgive genuinely and above all pray together because a family that prays together stays together.

 

Written by: Pat Philips Ogedengbe.

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